001: She Was a Great Woman

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Did you want to introduce the show? [00:00:05] Speaker B: Yeah, I guess, you know, we're two men with children. We both are either married or divorced, but we've both been in a marriage. And, you know, our whole kind of goal behind this is to share as sons, fathers, brothers in a world that, you know, is sometimes heavy on men, you know, and kind of going through life as men and creating an atmosphere for men to really open up and feel comfortable growing, I guess, you know, being men, being comfortable in their skin. [00:00:48] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You approached me a couple weeks ago about doing this, something you've been wanting to do for a long time and I've been wanting to do just anything with you for a long time, so I jumped at the chance. So what did you want to get into first today? [00:01:11] Speaker B: Well, maybe why don't you take the, the mic and give a little background on, you know, where you're at as a father, where you are as a son, you know, with being on your own and you know, how long you've been doing that and you know, how long you've been married and you know a little bit about yourself. [00:01:29] Speaker A: All right. Yeah, I, I got married in May of 2020. Not a lot was going on at that time. We, we moved to Oklahoma two months later and we've been here now for like four and a half years. We'll, we'll celebrate five years of marriage in May. Our daughter just turned one and yeah, so I'm like on the newer end of fatherhood whereas. Got kids all the way from 10. How old is. [00:02:04] Speaker B: Yeah, so my name is Brooks and. [00:02:08] Speaker A: Right, right. Never mind how old is. Insert bleep here. [00:02:16] Speaker B: No, well, my name is Brooks and my daughter, I have, I have a 10 year old. No, she's, she's eight now and. Yeah, she's eight. And then I have an 18 year old, 19 year old and 25 year old next month. [00:02:35] Speaker A: Yeah, so all over the spectrum there. [00:02:38] Speaker B: And my, well, my firstborn is out of wedlock from when I was 19 and my second three are from my marriage that fell one month short of 20 years. And so, yeah, so there's, you know, definitely mistakes there on my end as well as learning lessons, you know, whether from the mistakes or from, you know, from my, from learning from her. But yeah, definitely, definitely a lot of stuff to, to talk about and a lot of things that I've learned from, you know, I've gone, I went through a lot of therapy after the separation. Divorce was final. I was in, you know, a good two and a half years of therapy. Sometimes three, you know, at least once a week, but up to three times a week for that whole time. And it was just learned a lot. Learned a lot. [00:03:29] Speaker A: I know this is a loaded question. What is one of the harder things about co parenting for you? [00:03:40] Speaker B: You know, the funny thing is, co parenting wasn't difficult with her. We, we had similar views as far as discipline, what our kids should be listening to, how we should raise them. It's actually harder as a single father trying to find a girlfriend or your next bride to be. I find that that's the difficult area. I mean, a lot of these women will let their kids talk shit to them. You know, they'll let their kids, you know, kind of run all over them. They don't discipline them. [00:04:21] Speaker A: You know, it's even harder trying to find your next girlfriend when you're married. [00:04:30] Speaker B: What do you mean by that? [00:04:32] Speaker A: It's okay. Okay. Yeah. Don't laugh out loud by, by any means. Don't, don't give anyone an indication that that was a joke. [00:04:41] Speaker B: All right. All right, I gotcha. It's way harder to co parent, if you will, or find someone with like minded views and, and, and disciplines and morals and, you know, it's really hard. Whereas when I was married, it was, it was a lot different because, you know, I think there was a trust, I think there was an understanding prior to the kids coming around that this is how we want to do it, what we want to do it like. And you teamed up. You know, it was a team thing where I think a lot of the females I meet now are expecting me to come in and discipline their kids. And I'm like, nah, that creates your kids hatred for me. [00:05:22] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. And then it's more like two teams coming together and not really merging into one. And that just feels weird, right? [00:05:33] Speaker B: Yeah. And you know, there's, there's so many different elements to this because, you know, I'm talking to my daughter that lives with me full time and, and you know, she's kind of like, you know, if you ever get married again, like, I'm not going to support that because it's unbiblical, you know, and I'm like, okay, so like, am I just single the rest of my life? And she's like, you figure that out, that's between you and the Lord. But I'm not like, it's unbiblical for you to remarry. [00:06:02] Speaker A: Playing hardball. All right. You told her not to listen so well in Sunday school. [00:06:14] Speaker B: Yeah. So. Well, what about you? That sounded, you know, you said loaded question. It sounded like maybe you and your, your spouse aren't on the same page with certain things. [00:06:25] Speaker A: No, I mean, I think we mostly are. We've diverted quite a bit from plans that we had. You know, like, we were, we were gonna keep her from watching television like, forever, or at least until she was like, five or six. And now she's just. She watches TV like, a couple hours a day because she is just so needy and overbearing. There was no way to get anything done. Like, let's put it this way, my wife nannied twins from basically from birth to like, 10 years old. And, I mean, she raised these kids like she was more involved with them than their mother was. And she said those two kids together were not as much work as on her own. So, like, she's, she's just, you know, high maintenance. So it's like, yeah, half an hour a day, we, we got to turn the TV on and just let her watch TV so we can just get stuff done and, and, you know, live our lives. So it's like, you know, things happen like that that don't go to plan, and it's like, you know, you can lament that and, like, try to make it work in an impractical way, or you can just kind of accept that, like. Yeah, we ended up doing something we didn't plan on doing. But it is what it is, you know, foreign. I'm sure there's a lot more of that to come. [00:07:49] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, for sure. I, I, that's the other aspect of it. You know, when, when you have our first, first two in, in my marriage, because I wasn't really a part of our, you know, I'm gonna try and. [00:08:04] Speaker A: Use whatever her name is, pseudonyms. [00:08:07] Speaker B: Yeah. But I wasn't a part of Jay's life when she was younger. But being active in my, in DNR's life, you know, we were, you know, there were certain things they weren't allowed to do. They weren't allowed to spend all day on a tablet. Yeah, they could have some tablet time, but they weren't allowed to spend all day on the tablet where, like, with, with bees. She's, she's on a phone or a tablet all day, which it's not necessarily she's watching, you know, videos or stuff like that. Sometimes she's playing games. A lot of the time she's making shorts. Like, she has probably a good 600 videos that she's recorded of herself. You know, just many shorts that she puts on YouTube and, you know, she. We have. We have parameters for her. You know, she knows if she wants to. To do it, she can't do this. She can't do that. There's certain things she. She has to kind of stay away from, and we check it because it's our account. But she's. She's impressive. I mean, like, she is. The way she edits these videos. I'm like, dude, that was. That was awesome. You know, and. And so. And my older ones are like, you wouldn't let us be on a tablet for. For more than an hour a day. How come she could be on it all day, you know? [00:09:24] Speaker A: And I'm like, you didn't produce. [00:09:29] Speaker B: On top of that, I'm like, it's different. You know what I mean? Like, it's different, you know, like, it's a different world. And once you. Yeah, well, on top of that, it's like. It's like those commercials where, like, you're. You're. You're hovering over the first one, and then the second one, you're like, I don't give a. If it roams in the street. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you know. You know, everybody could hold the baby. You know what I mean? Like, where your firstborn, you're like, oh, you wash your hands, you know? Second one, you're like, the second one's like, oh, you, you, You. You had Covid a couple weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. Hold the baby. It's brand new. [00:10:00] Speaker A: Spit on her soft spot. It's fine. By the way. I. I don't want to interrupt you, but if they started a hip hop group. DNR is a great name for a hip hop group. [00:10:14] Speaker B: Yeah, it would be. Would be. I wonder why it rolled so easily. Yeah, I didn't realize. I didn't realize that, you know. Do not resuscitate. [00:10:24] Speaker A: Yeah, man. Yeah, I mean, that's. I'm seeing that already just with our first one where. It's just. The difference between now and a year ago is like. Yeah, we're. We're not as worried about people holding her and, you know, whether. Whether she sees a screen or anything like that. But. Yeah, I should. I shouldn't make it sound like she's on, you know, watching TV like, four hours a day. It's maybe a half an hour altogether. It's just, you know, when. When we need a break, but, you know, walking almost. Yeah. She can stand on her own. She can, like, crawl up onto the fireplace and she's taken a few steps on her own without really realizing she did It. But if she's, like, focusing, she'll get back down on her knees and crawl. So she's like, right there, she's almost walking. I. I thought she'd walk by Halloween because I was walking at 10 months. But not this one. Not this one. [00:11:26] Speaker B: So. Except for her mom, huh? [00:11:28] Speaker A: Yeah, I guess so. [00:11:31] Speaker B: Yeah. Not to. Not to brag, but our girls were walking. All of our girls walked by. Eight months. [00:11:37] Speaker A: Eight months. You son of a. You're lying. [00:11:40] Speaker B: Well, dude, but. But a lot of it for me was plain playing with them in the sense of, like, there's not much you could damn do with the baby, you know, I mean, there's just not much. And so, like, when I would have them with me, I'd either put a towel under their arms and kind of, like, hold them so that they can walk but still have some. And then when they're on, when I'm laying down, I'll hold their hands and have them stand up on my. I would just. It's just. Yeah, it wasn't with the intention to make them walk. It was just like. Like the. The towel thing was. But, like, me laying down, having them, you know, hold my fingers and standing up was. Was not intentional to make them walk. [00:12:19] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, I couldn't tell you when she started standing on her own, like, able to just go fully from sitting to standing without any help. I mean, it's been months, and she's been, like, walking, holding one hand. Like, if we hold one hand, she'll walk with us. She just. I mean, she's been doing that forever, but she just won't walk on her own or. Or realize that she can do it or whatever. She's done it. I've seen her do it. It's just only, like, twice. So I don't know what's going on there. [00:12:49] Speaker B: But you were homeschooled. Correct. Are you planning to homeschool your child? [00:12:55] Speaker A: That totally depends on our financial situation. Right now, my wife is not working. If that continues, then I would like to do homeschooling or, you know, a co op where maybe she takes a few classes with some other kids, but mostly is homeschooled. I would prefer to do that if money would allow. [00:13:17] Speaker B: Well, now Trump's talking about giving homeschooled families 10,000 per child a year untaxed. Instead of giving it to the schools, giving it to those families for clubs, for after school programs, you know, those sorts of things. But for the finances that are incurred from having a homeschooled kid. [00:13:41] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. That'd be cool. I mean, I'm morally opposed to it, but short of closing down the public schools, I guess I'll take it. [00:13:51] Speaker B: Why are you morally opposed to it? [00:13:53] Speaker A: I don't want the government handing out money to anyone or taking it from anyone. But if we're still going to have public schools, then sure, give. Give the homeschool kids money, you know. [00:14:04] Speaker B: Well, yeah, he was. He's saying in lieu of giving it to the schools. [00:14:07] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:08] Speaker B: Child. Give that to the. To the home, to the homeschooled parents. [00:14:11] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's. That's what most things are with him is like a slightly better situation than what it was before, but still not perfect, you know? [00:14:21] Speaker B: Yeah, we're not gonna get perfect, bro. No, I mean, we're gonna get. [00:14:25] Speaker A: Oh, we could if we started killing them. [00:14:28] Speaker B: Killing who's them? [00:14:30] Speaker A: All of them. Just kidding. [00:14:35] Speaker B: Yeah, I don't think. [00:14:36] Speaker A: I don't condone political lesser evils. What was that? [00:14:40] Speaker B: We just picked from two of the lesser evils. [00:14:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. What's. What's your situation? Did either of the kids were homeschooled at one point? I feel like. No, that never happened. [00:14:58] Speaker B: My ex wife, God bless her, but she wasn't smart enough to teach. No. Nope. [00:15:04] Speaker A: Thank God we're using pseudonyms. And I'll tell you another thing about that stupid. [00:15:13] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, that's. That's. That's how I have to. Dude, I have to live my life like that right now. I mean, like, you know, applying for work, it's. It's. It's synonyms, dude. And then if you were like, well, how come your legal names differ from the name you're giving us? And it's just, you know, there's been some identity theft or this is what my family, you know, called me my whole life. It's just trying. Like, I've never been in this situation before where my legal name was such a problem for me to go through life. I mean, it's affected the community I live in. It's affected my work and. Or my career and so. But it's always affected my career since. Since. Since that faithful 2009. [00:16:02] Speaker A: I will. I will say without saying what. What it is. My. My co host here is not a pedophile. [00:16:09] Speaker B: He's. [00:16:10] Speaker A: He's not. It sounds a lot like you're describing being a pedophile. It's like, dude, I got to knock on every door when I move in. I got. He's not a pedophile. [00:16:22] Speaker B: I didn't. I didn't even realize that. But yeah, thank you for explaining that. [00:16:26] Speaker A: He was on a high profile television show and that interview is still on the Internet and it's caused him a lot of problems. I think we can leave it at that. [00:16:38] Speaker B: Yeah, so I'm great with the pseudonyms and so. But yeah, that's kind of, you know, I don't want to get famous off of a podcast. I don't want to. I don't want to go. I was a child actor. I don't want to even do that, you know, with, with everything. I mean, like, there's just so much, much that I have to rethink. Like, I want to write a book, but not really anymore. You know, Like I'm, I'm content with just providing for my family, you know, and staying out of the spotlight. I want to go on Survivor or mtv. Is the challenge. No, that's off. That's off the books. [00:17:19] Speaker A: Road rules. I want to do it all. I just. [00:17:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:17:27] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. I've, I've not dealt with that. You know, you brought up. I didn't have a good segue to it. But you brought up earlier, like some people not posting their kids on social media and I'd love to hear your thoughts on that because I have very purposely not posted anything. I've, I've posted stuff on my close friends story so people I specifically choose can see the story. You're one of them. If you've ever seen like the green circle around my story, that's something just for you. I don't post pictures of my kid for a lot of reasons, but partly because I am not successful and I'm not famous or well known. But if anything goes to plan, I will be some level of known and it will be problematic. So. [00:18:21] Speaker B: So first of all, thank you for explaining Green Circle to me because I wondered what that was. [00:18:26] Speaker A: Oh yeah, yeah. So that means someone has chosen you as a close friend and you can see that, but like everyone else who follows them can't unless they're also on that list. [00:18:36] Speaker B: Awesome. [00:18:37] Speaker A: So you can set up that list too. [00:18:39] Speaker B: No, that's really cool. But it also makes me think that I think someone else had me as a green circle now. Not anymore because there's like only you and one. One other person had me as a green circle. [00:18:52] Speaker A: Well, it's only when you post a close friend story. So like the normal stuff I post is still going to look normal to, to you. It's only if you're on the Close friends and I post a close friend. So the only close friend Stuff I post is my daughter. And the N word. Damn it, you have to laugh, or it's not a joke. I'm just spewing hate speech. You. You have to laugh. [00:19:21] Speaker B: I was honestly, like, wondering, what does he call his wife? You know, like, when you said that, I was like, oh, he calls his wife some. Like. No, that's a C word. That's the B word. That's what. That's. The pause was me going through my head. [00:19:37] Speaker A: It's a new ball and chain. It's just. I got the old N word with me. [00:19:43] Speaker B: All right, so for the. With. With the Instagram posting of children. For me, I post my children, but as you know, I'm a restricted. Like, I'm. I'm not public. So, like, you have to request my friendship. I have to accept it. And if I don't care to accept it, you just sit in that box that says friend request, and I never accept or delete. I just leave you in there. After a couple months, I feel like you forgot about it. I will delete you. Delete the request. But when. When it comes to females, I feel like if they're posting a ton and they don't have any of their children, I feel like there's a different motive. Like, they want to be an Instagram influencer or they want to be. I mean, some of these females I talk to, they're, you know, they're. They're smoking weed on hiking trips, and they're. They're in. You know, in. In. Oh, man, I'm supposed to go hang out with the female I've been referencing most in this about Instagram tomorrow. She knows tonight I was starting the podcast, and, you know, she wants to be a follower and wants to be a fan, and, man, this is gonna hurt. But. But I'm also very open and honest. You know, there's. There's things where, you know, there. The. You know, we have. I've been open and honest with her about, you know, hey, we have two different philosophies on parenting, you know, but back to. Back to the. To the lecture at hand. The. When they post. When they don't post their kids and it's just them vacationing or them, you know, hiking or them. You know, this is not just her. I. I know a couple other females that kind of do something similar. Yeah. Like, cool, if you're protecting your kids, but I mean, like, at the same time, like, who are you protecting them from? Because, you know. Yeah, I know that the. The quick. The quick last response is like, well, you never know. And great. But I mean, like you're, you're just posting your, your lavish, and I put that in quotes, lifestyle, you know, like you're just posting, posting about you. And you know, it's almost coming across as like you're some influencer and you're not, you know, however they can be because they have thousands of followers. I mean, like this one chick that, that, that is more or less a friend. But you know, at one time it was, you know, I was considering like trying to have something with her, but she's got like three, three thousand followers. I think I got like maybe 60, you know, but she's got like 3,000 now. It's. That to me is nuts. I don't even have that on my tik tok. [00:22:51] Speaker A: I don't know why that was such a funny way to say that. Yeah, I thought you were laughing Because. [00:22:58] Speaker B: I'm 45 and I got tick tock. [00:23:00] Speaker A: I didn't know that you had a tick tock. I'll be honest. And I wonder what goes on on it, but it's not what's keeping you out of the neighborhood. We'll put it there. [00:23:10] Speaker B: No, I'm actually going to switch it up. It was, it was more or less me doing certain filters or, you know, those filters where you're like, oh, what am I rated? Or, you know, what's this? Or what's that? And it's going to be now kind of as I still study the word more and more and more, kind of my what I'm learning from it, you know, just little snippets of like, hey, this is what I'm, this is what I'm getting from the word. And I'm gonna start with my study on Ephesians 6 and kind of just kind of go from there. [00:23:38] Speaker A: Nice. Nice. Yeah, I, it's, it's funny because, yeah, it does kind of seem like my wife has wondered, like, why don't you post pictures of me? Why don't you post pictures of the baby? And it's like, well, first of all, you bitch every single time I post a picture of you. You don't like it. Second, second, the baby can't consent to being posted on Instagram. And it's like that's creating a footprint that's gonna follow her her whole life maybe. And it's like, I don't know, I just feel weird about like making that decision. Decision. I'm, I don't judge anyone. Everyone I know post pictures of their kids. [00:24:23] Speaker B: No, but you bring up A good point that I've never had to think about because I wasn't raised in, I wasn't raised in a world or a society that had Internet like we do. [00:24:35] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:24:35] Speaker B: You know what I mean? Like, AOL Online came out when I was like, in my teens. You know, I mean, like, to think of like that, like, mind you, in 2009, had I known the footprint system, I might have been like, nah, I'm good. But no, I'm like, preach the gospel at all times. Be ready. Watch this. Here I come. And you know, and now, you know, I didn't know that she was gonna, you know, make it subscription based. So all they get is the trailer that shows me being a. Yeah. You know, like that's, that's all everybody sees is my dickheaded dick headedness. You know, Like. [00:25:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:14] Speaker B: So it's, it's, it's crazy that you're like, hey, there might be a footprint of this child far into the future that she's not consenting to. It's crazy. [00:25:24] Speaker A: Which I would not be worried about. But I am trying to write, I am creating music. I do, like, occasionally post reels of like, writing to tutorials and stuff. So, like, I am, you know, I've done my podcast. I don't do it anymore really. But like, I started my podcast in 2020, ran for a couple years. So, like, I have at various points, like, tried to get something going and get some kind of, you know, following for something in order to monetize it. Let's not lie. I'm, I'm planning to monetize it. And, and so like, being as publicly outspoken with my political beliefs as I am, I know that people in my camp are demonized very quickly and called Nazis and white supremacists and, you know, all sorts of terrible things. And it's not rare at all for the kids to be gone after and for addresses to get posted and for people to show up. Yeah. So, I mean, two low level people. I'm not talking about, like the most famous. I'm not talking about Ron Paul Hall. I'm talking about like pretty low level, like libertarian podcasters will get their addresses posted and people will drive by and throw, you know, so it's like, so that whole world, like, I just want to keep them out of it entirely, you know. [00:26:41] Speaker B: So let me ask you, as I look at you, last time we, we kind of hung out, you had hair. [00:26:46] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:26:47] Speaker B: Do you shave because of your, your Nazism or do you shave because. [00:26:51] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I am a Nazi. No, I'm just kidding. No, it's so funny because, like, I am literally an anarchist. It's like, you can't get farther from Nazi than anarchist. But then somehow they. They still, you know, it's just a. [00:27:07] Speaker B: Word because of your. [00:27:09] Speaker A: I'm bald. [00:27:10] Speaker B: Your hair growth. [00:27:11] Speaker A: Yeah, I was severely bald. I was living a lie. I had this thin patina of hair on my head and it was sad. So after we got married, I just started shaving it. [00:27:24] Speaker B: You know what, though? I appreciate that because I see so many men. Like, you know, I was working for a company and man, I forget the guy's name. Man, I wish I knew it because I'd love to throw this guy under the bus, but, you know, I'll know it next time we talk about hair loss. But this guy, you know, he would sit and he's married, he's got like a daughter that has a genetic dispute disease and everything. But every annual meeting that this company had, he would be sitting in the corner and he'd have four or five different young females around him all the time. And I just look at him and I'm like, dude, I can see like your whole head through your hair. Like, just. Just shave it, dude. Like, I don't get guys that kind of. Keep it, keep it there for like, I don't know what you're doing. I just don't. That's the reason why I shave once. My. My sh. Receding. And I was balding in the back. No, no. Call me Vin Diesel all day, I don't care. [00:28:25] Speaker A: I. I will tolerate receding. I think that can actually be a good look. I think, like, Mike Ness rocks that perfectly. Jeff Kresge. Like, there's some guys that have the receding hairline, but the rest of their hair is super thick and black. You know what I mean? And I didn't have that. Like, it was. Not only was it getting lighter, but like, it was completely thin on top. It looked like a freaking. You know, like Tristan used to say, the salami slice, it looks like that. And then I was starting to get the frickin cul de sac thing in the back to the. The George Jefferson or whatever. And. And it's still fine on the sides. The sides look great, but you can't hold it down with the sides. So surge. [00:29:08] Speaker B: No, no. And that's. See, that's where I'm at. I got the sides and. But my. I'm light in the back. And the receding, again, we get away with the receding, but last time I tried to Grow it back. My widow's peak. I remember looking in the mirror, and I was trying for, like, a good couple months, and I thought it looked good. You know what I mean? I was like, okay, I just hide it under a hat most of the time. And I pulled the hat off one day, and I looked at my widow's peak, and you can tell the outline of the widow's peak, but, like, within a square inch, I probably had 40 hairs. [00:29:39] Speaker A: Oh, man. Yeah. [00:29:41] Speaker B: You know what I mean? [00:29:42] Speaker A: Same. [00:29:42] Speaker B: And I was looking at it, I was like, that's pathetic. Like, I can't do this. I can't do this. Like, this is what this was supposed to bring. Now, mind you, I was married, but I still had the mindset of, like, this is what's supposed to bring in the ass, you know? [00:29:56] Speaker A: Yeah. Now, that never goes away. [00:30:00] Speaker B: No. All right, so what are. What are some ways for you when. When, you know, Mike. So my current situation is. Is the economy sucks. You know, it's. Everything's high. I was making good money, and it was still kind of hard to live. It's not like I live in California where the rent's high or anything. I live in Arizona and. But when I got laid off, fear set in for sure. Because I'm a single father. I'm now going on month three. I got no laid off on November 8th. So that's November, December, January. It's two whole months. I'm entering into month three of being laid off. Very fearful, very anxious at times. But I found myself grounding myself with friends like yourself, other friends that have really helped out. Some friends I've had to borrow from high dollar amounts just to make, you know, make sure I can put groceries on the. In the. In the pantry and stuff. But what are some of the ways that you cope when things are overwhelming? Things are too much. Now, mind you, not everybody has a faith system. Not everybody is comfortable with self exploration or self examination. I should say, not exploration, that sounds really weird, but self examination, you know, self inventory. What are some of the ways that you kind of. Because I know your wife isn't working. I know at one time she was. I know things were a little more comfortable back then, but now that she's not. You're the only income. You know, things aren't getting better. They gotten worse with. With Biden. Where. Where, you know, where do you find comfort? At times. [00:32:05] Speaker A: For me, I. Well, I've. I've been meditating, and that's, you know, something I feel embarrassed about because it's gay. [00:32:21] Speaker B: Sounds pretty gay. [00:32:22] Speaker A: Yeah, dude, we were on the total same page with that. Oh, man. Really is like, something you can't wrap your mind around until you've been doing it for a couple days or weeks. And then you really start to be like, oh, yeah, I am, like, 100 times more chill than I was, you know, three weeks ago. Like, I am not worrying. I am happier. I am thinking more deeply about things. Try to keep it Christian, though. You know, there's a lot of. A lot of pagan out there that I. That I have to swallow the meat and spit out the bone with. But so I. I won't share your process. [00:33:04] Speaker B: What. What is. What is the process that you go through for meditation? [00:33:07] Speaker A: All right, you know what? I just want you to appreciate that I didn't want to talk about this, and I'm still going to do it because you asked me. And we're not going to lie on this podcast, okay? We're using pseudonyms. We're using pseudonyms, but we're not lying. [00:33:19] Speaker B: Give it to me, Mike. [00:33:21] Speaker A: So, yeah, so I. I do not do, like, the emptying of the mind thing. I find that to be pretty pagan. I. I'm not trying. [00:33:31] Speaker B: You mean by that? [00:33:32] Speaker A: Well, like, transcendental meditation and like, Eastern stuff. It's all about, like, emptying your mind and not thinking about stuff. And how do you do that? [00:33:41] Speaker B: Because I feel like that's impossible. [00:33:43] Speaker A: I don't know. They. You know, I've heard people describe the practice, and it's usually a mantra. They'll usually use a mantra to kind of. I think the best analogy I've heard is, like, it's a fidget spinner, basically, for your mind. So it's like keeping your mind busy on something that doesn't mean anything, so that all your overthinking and all your stuff can kind of slide away and you start to kind of just focus inward, which, like, isn't the sounding more satanic by the minute. You. You focus on yourself, you focus inward, and then you start to kind of delve into this deeper, you know, psyche, this subconscious, this. This kind of. What do they call it? The collective unconscious, where we're all connected and we're all one, and it's just this Eastern B.S. but then there's guys like Andrew Huberman, who's a neurologist and actually, you know, has like, peer reviewed neurological studies about, like, meditative techniques that work for things. So my main things are my blood pressure is out of control and my ADHD is out of control. So I'm Looking for something to calm me down and help me focus. And that's exactly what I found is, you know, it's. It's basically not about emptying your mind. It's about letting your mind kind of want wander and then practicing refocusing on, you know, whatever it is. So I, I like to use scripture for that. I tried to focus. You're supposed to focus on, like, a part, you know, a spot on your head to kind of keep your brain focused. And then as you drift away, you're strengthening that muscle that kind of refocuses on where your, your attention's supposed to be. And then if you're thinking about scripture or, you know, something useful on top of that, then that really helps, you know, kind of let things seep in. And, you know, you can kind of dive into deep and, you know, obviously, like, what's the word? Contemplative. Scripture reading goes back, you know, as long as we've had scripture. You know, the lectio divina is a practice that goes far back into church history of, you know, really meditating on scripture and thinking about it for a long time after you read it and stuff. But, and, you know, then it. There's a totally secular side to it that doesn't have any Eastern religion attached to it, doesn't have any, you know, spiritual side significance to it. And that's fine, too. That works for focus and that works for, you know, lowering your blood pressure and relaxing and stuff. I really didn't want to talk about this. [00:36:37] Speaker B: No, no, no. [00:36:38] Speaker A: I sound so gay. I sound so gay right now. [00:36:40] Speaker B: No, no, no, no. But I, I, I would, I used to meditate, but it was when I was going through Kenneth Boa's book on spiritual dis disciplines. And it wasn't so much, you know, that's why I asked about the clearing of the mind, because I've heard that before. But I would do it. But the way I would do it was not so much of mantras. I would pray through everything that entered my mind. And so if a thought popped in, I'm laying it before the Lord. Lord, you know, like, with that, you know. You know, take it from me or, you know, deal with that or, or help that individual, whatever it was, I would just kind of pray through it till I got to a point of almost. And I wouldn't say it was a trans. It was almost like, you know, when, like, you're so tired and you're watching a movie and you doze off and, like, the movie in your mind takes a total Left turn. And you're like, whoa, that. I didn't see that coming. You wake up, you're like, oh, because it didn't come. Yeah, like the movies, in a different direction. There were moments like that where, like, you know, I. I would be sitting there and I'd have these visions of. But it was all. It was almost like I was so dang tired and. And I would share them with people, you know, that they pertain to, and they'd be like, wow, thank you for sharing that. But it was always through just, you know, praying through different things. But, you know, these prayer times were, you know, sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes five minutes, sometimes, you know, 20 to a half hour. I mean, like, which doesn't seem like long. Some. Maybe to some people, five minutes. But, you know, you ever sit at, like, I was at Sam's club the other day, and I got to the counter to buy myself a hot dog, and I didn't talk to somebody for two minutes while I was waiting for, like, they were sitting there talking to each other, and I'm like, dude, like, two minutes at a register waiting for someone to greet you. Two minutes seems like an eternity. And so, like, back to prayer, it seems like in five minutes seems like an eternity at times. The other thing I would do is while I was praying. I don't know if you remember that thumb ring I had that was kind of like. It spun. [00:38:56] Speaker A: Yeah, I remember that. [00:38:58] Speaker B: I would spin. I would spin that. I would almost, like, fiddle with that because this is before fidget rings, like our fidget fidget spinners or whatever. I had the first one. I didn't even realize I had something there. And. But I would spin it. I'd put it on the tip of my thumb and spin it between my index and my thumb, and it would help me stay focused in prayer. Yeah, you know, I wasn't clearing my mind in that sense of, like, using it to clear my mind, but I was using it to help me stay focused. And it was only really in groups. It was almost like a nervous thing where, like, it would just help me stay focused on my prayer. Not what Mr. Anthony's thinking and not what Mr. Moore's thinking. It was. It was just to keep me focused on my corporate prayer, if you will. [00:39:44] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. No, the. The time really slows down. I. I don't get. Get to do it in the morning often, but I do it for 20 minutes every night, and by the time that buzzer goes off, it's like, God, I think the buzzer turned off. I Think I've been here for like an hour. I'm pretty sure it turned off and it's not going to go off. And I'm just sitting here like an idiot. And then it goes off and it's like, oh, wow, it has only been 20 minutes. Time really slows down. And like, you really, you know, I try to be careful because it's like, I think the idea of like turning your mind off and clearing it and all this stuff, it's like, it really is rooted in like, Eastern stuff and I try to avoid that. But like, there is something about, like putting your mind in a more neutral state that really can focus you. Not just put you in a trance, but like actually focus you. And I was sitting one day, I was at the office on a Saturday and I was alone and I was working on this short story in between work, and I had a deadline for this short story and I was starting to get a little stressed that I wasn't going to finish it. And I sat down to do my meditation on my break, on my lunch break. And in that 20 minute meditation, just threw three random things popped into my head that just finished the story. It was just like the three perfect things to just wrap it up. And I, I took about 10 minutes to, to write it up afterward and I was done. And that's, that's one thing that they say a lot is creativity. [00:41:24] Speaker B: I feel like with what you just shared, you're also trying to save your ass just in case, like, co workers hear this and you're like, yeah, I meditated for like, I don't know, two, three minutes. It was in between, like, you know, it was like on my lunch break and I rolled up within 10 minutes. In 10 minutes, I had it written up. So, you know. No, I took another 15 to finish my lunch. [00:41:46] Speaker A: The way. Okay, the way. Okay, I'll be more specific. I take phone calls at work. In between phone calls, I'm free to do whatever. So I'm writing in between phone calls. Then I took my lunch break, my full lunch break off the clock. I did, I did my 20 minute. I did my 20 minute meditation and then wrapped it up before lunch was over. I swear. [00:42:11] Speaker B: All right, so I swear. [00:42:13] Speaker A: David, David, if you're listening, I swear. [00:42:20] Speaker B: No, that's, that's awesome. That's. That's awesome. I love that you love to write. I love to write. But I also, you know, I, I have a. I know last time we hung out, it was, it was fairly new for us, as in our, in our friendship. But I smoked weed. And so what is your take on that as a, as a Christian? [00:42:44] Speaker A: Allegedly, I smoked weed with you. [00:42:49] Speaker B: Allegedly you did? I, I, I heard that, but I can't confirm or deny. [00:42:54] Speaker A: I've heard rumors that that happened. I think this really is, like, person to person. I used to, before I, I don't smoke weed anymore, but before I smoked weed, I was pretty scared of it because all I really heard about it was stuff from the pulpit and, like, it was illegal and, like, it must be illegal a reason. And all this stuff, you know, it's a gateway drug. Like, all this, you know, stuff. Someone got high and walked out in front of a car. You know, like the craziest things that never happened almost. So you're, you're kind of scared of it, and then you do it once or twice, and it's so nuts. And you're like, yeah, yeah, that really, you should be afraid of that. I was, like, blacking out. Like, that was crazy. Like, I don't, I don't know where I was for two hours while I was smoking weed. But then, like, you meet someone who smokes it every day, and it's like having a cigarette to them, it's like having a cocktail, you know, like, it doesn't affect them. And it's like, I'm not saying you should end up being the person who smokes weed all day long, but if you are that person, it's not affecting you in the same way it would affect me right now. I would be on Pluto right now if I smoked weed. And I don't think that's good, you. [00:44:07] Speaker B: Know, so my therapist, you know, I shared that I'd gone to therapy a lot after my separation, and at the time, I, I was smoking still. I've, I've only not smoked in the last. Since December 15th. And so, but my therapist is like, you know, if you smoke weed more than three times a month, it genetically changes your brain, like, scientifically. And my, my therapist is. He's a pretty solid Christian dude. But here's my thought on it, because I, I did smoke every day. Now, mind you, I don't smoke. Like, my ex smokes. My, my ex wakes up, she's smoking before she goes to work. She's smoking at work on her breaks. Like, she smokes, and she's open about it, allegedly. And, you know, no, this is, this is real. And we had talked about getting back together recently, which I don't know if you, you, if I've updated you on that, but, you know, she was like, hey, like, the word the Lord has given me for 2025 is re. Redemption or something like that. Now, mind you, like, she still talks to. I'm not going to tell anybody. They can't talk to somebody. But my ex. Best friend is not somebody like I ever want to see in the picture again if we get back together anyhow. I said, look, I. If. If we get back together, I'm not. Not. I'm not gonna be with a pothead. She's like, I'm not a pothead. I was like, do you wake and bake? Can you relate to every Cheech and Chong joke ever? And she's like, yeah. I was like, well, you're. You're stuck on semantics. Let's not say pothead, because I feel like you are insulted by that saying. Let's say someone that smokes all day, every day instead. Would you consider yourself smart and smokes all day, every day instead? And she's like, yeah. I was like, okay. I call that person a pothead. So, yeah, so. But I say that because I do like to smoke socially in a comfortable space. I don't like to smoke and go out in public that's crowded because I. I'm constantly questioning myself now. I think when people smoke, like, the dude that smokes, like it's a cigarette, I think they're in a constant overthought. I think they're constantly overthinking things and making almost worse. And I feel like that's. That's part of the reason why I can't go back to my ex right now. Because I feel like everything I say is worth overanalyzed. Everything I say is. Is constantly being processed under the pot thing instead of just taking it at face value. I feel like they constantly have this, like, deeper thought, which I. That's how I get when I'm, you know, like, when I smoke sativa. People ask me if I did a line of coke, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is just how my brain works on sativa. Like, I. I'll walk you through every thought process I have. And they're coming quick, you know, and sometimes I can't rewind and tell you how I got to this point, but my mind is already, like, you know, doing all these different steps. [00:47:17] Speaker A: Everything you say sounds like coke, and I want to. And I want to start a business. I think we should start a band. [00:47:27] Speaker B: But, like, I've had friends stop me, and they're like, what else did you do tonight? I'm like, I've done nothing. Like, I'm like, this is what Sativa does to me. [00:47:34] Speaker A: Me. [00:47:34] Speaker B: Indica shuts me down. Sativa, it just, it does something where I just start triggering and, and at times I love it in a safe spot. Like with like, you know, with me and you, if we're sitting there talking and, and I'm hitting a Sativa once, mind you, I don't need to smoke the whole thing. Just give me one hit. I'm good, you know, but I'm gonna rattle off some stuff, we're gonna talk about some interesting things and so forth. But I, I feel like for people like that, because she smokes Sativa all day, every day, she's going to be a step off from how she normally performs when she quits. And I don't think it's going to be easy at all. So I was just curious about your take. I do think I do have personal convictions about it. I know other Christians that are like, you know, God made it, you know, it's, it's, you know, we're supposed to live off the earth. And this is part of, you know, they're. So is coke. Coke comes from a coke, coke plant, cocoa plant or whatever it is. I don't know, but I know it comes from a plant. I don't know what the plant's called, but I know it comes from the plant. And this Colombian girl I was dating, her family brings that plant to California and just chews on the leaves and they're like, yeah, it gives you a ton of energy. I'm like, yeah, because it's what they make coke out of, dude, like cocaine. They wouldn't give me any of the plan. [00:48:57] Speaker A: Yeah, no, I mean, what I was saying was like, I think it's all about like how it affects your mind. And for me, I haven't smoked weed like, I mean, over a year. I don't, I don't even know when. Two years maybe. And, and for me to do it now would be problematic, you know, like, like I said, I'd be on Pluto. So like, I think that would be an issue. I think that would be sin to be that out of your mind or to be drunk, you know, and be that out of your mind. But, but I don't know what to say for the person who does it every day and doesn't seem to be affected by it. You know, it's not a mind altering thing to them. Or maybe it is. Maybe they're just always under the influence. [00:49:43] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. So it's like the Alcoholic. I mean, is the alcoholic not in sin because he does it every day. [00:49:49] Speaker A: Yeah, that's true. [00:49:51] Speaker B: I mean it's like the fornicator. I mean like that's so. That's the boat I'm in. I fornicate someone so much it's not even pleasurable. [00:50:05] Speaker A: It's just lost its feeling. [00:50:08] Speaker B: I'm dead ass serious. Yes, it is, it is like, it is, it is. It's boring. It's boring. And so here's the crazy part. Here's. Here's the part that's fearful. This is, this is honestly one of my prayer requests. Like, Lord, like, get me out of this, this, this, the, you know, this demonic oppression of, of sex. Because like, it's not that I go and see seek it, but every girl that I talk to and that I'm around, not every girl I talked to. That's a little much. I mean, like, you know, I get a good, good large amount of them, you know, end up wanting to have sex and I do because I feel like, you know, like to deprive them. [00:50:55] Speaker A: Of this would be somewhat. [00:50:58] Speaker B: Somewhat. [00:50:59] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:50:59] Speaker B: Insane. Some, some are beaters, dude. You know, I'm just, I'm just doing it for like, you know, like I'm gonna get a tax write off or something, you know, and. But at the same time, like, it's, it's. Ah, man, it's just, it's, it's not. I find no pleasure in it at times I find no pleasure in it and I feel like that's part of the answered prayers that I'm not feeling gratification in it. Satisfaction. But here's the shittier part. The shittier part is in order for me to feel the gratification, I have to get dirtier. I have to get. I have to take a deeper step into an unhealthy sexual commitment. You know what I mean? [00:51:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:51:51] Speaker B: It's almost like, wow. You know what would really turn me on? You and two friends, you know. Oh, wow. You know what really turned me on? [00:51:59] Speaker A: No protection. If you blast away, blast away in there. [00:52:04] Speaker B: Well, dude, I mean, like, you know, how about if you pegged me, you know what I mean? Like, maybe that'll do something. Dude. Really? Like this is, this is. Yeah, dude. And yeah, it's got me saying the same afterwards. Like really? That's what it, that's where you're at. And sometimes I just need to hear it. During sex. Yeah, you know, just stick your finger in there and, and make me feel a little during sex. But I really don't want it. You know what I mean? But I want to. I want to. I want to talk about it. I want to feel like we're right on the edge of it. Not healthy, dude. Not healthy. [00:52:41] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, no, that's. That seems to be how it is. Whether it's like porn addiction or sex addiction or anything, it just seems. Any sin seems to have this escalating effect where it. It has to just get a little bit more dangerous. It has to get a heavier dose. It has, you know, till it's. [00:53:06] Speaker B: Till it's like smoking a cigarette every day. [00:53:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:08] Speaker B: So it's like smoking. Smoking a cigarette. Same with. The same with weed. [00:53:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:11] Speaker B: So it's like smoking a cigarette, you know, to those that. It's just like smoking a cigarette. They get there. In order for them to feel higher, they have to get higher. They have to go to the wax or the, the dabs. I don't know what is it, the concentrate, the oil, but the dabs, you know, like, I. I hear people talk, talk about dabs, and I'm like, no, thank you. [00:53:36] Speaker A: Yeah, no, it's weed. Crack. [00:53:39] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:53:40] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:53:40] Speaker B: One of them is like filtered with gasoline. [00:53:43] Speaker A: Oh my God. [00:53:45] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, our friend would come over and would be like, hey, like. And I almost want to say it was dabs. And he's like, yeah, you know, it's almost like they, they wash the weed in gasoline. I could be totally off. However, I know what I tasted. I tasted some gasoline in that weed. It was like, it would take your breath away, bro. And you're higher than what you necessarily need to be if you're not someone that smokes. I don't smoke like that. Like when I do smoke, when I did smoke on the regular, I've. I've smoked for the last. Whenever we lived in, we started it. So when we left, we were smoking. But however we're smoking like a hit or two a day. We do it after work only, weekends only. I mean, it wasn't like a wake up and bake up, you know. And then as of the last two or three years, I'd only smoke at night time. You know, I want to smoke a couple hours before bed. You know, I want to laugh a little bit, I want to go to sleep, but it does nothing for me, man. You know, I don't like things to control me. And when I would get home from work, I would automatically think, oh, do I have any weed left? Cuz, you know, like that would. I want to smoke right now because I'm bored. [00:55:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:55:05] Speaker B: And then what does that do? Demotivates me. Yeah. Laugh, but it demotivates me and it clears out my pantry for sure. [00:55:13] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. [00:55:15] Speaker B: I mean, anything and everything till I'm miserable. [00:55:18] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, That's. That's why one of the reasons I had to stop was just. Because if it was not the last thing I did of the day, nothing else is getting done. Like, I'm not. I'm not gonna write. I'm not gonna take the trash out. I'm not, like, nothing. I'm going to sleep as soon as it wears off If. If I don't wait, you know. [00:55:42] Speaker B: Now, mind you, I do like to creatively write sometimes or journal. I do journal a lot. I do like to take a little hit, go into a public space, usually a cigar bar, headphones in with some ADHD music and just journal. Just write, you know, the headphones so that people know. Don't talk to me. I'm not here to have a conversation. But I've realized, like, when I do take a little hit and I put on the headphones and go. I tend to question myself more than anything. Why did you do this? And then I start to break it down. Now, do I need it to do that? No. You know, this could definitely just be an excuse. But I do realize, I have realized when I was doing. Doing that and journaling, you know, my therapist, there was one night this girl wanted me to drive out to. It was. She lived about an hour and a half from me. She had just moved. Great, great woman. Great woman. [00:57:00] Speaker A: And I've never heard it described that. [00:57:02] Speaker B: Way before, you know, and she said, hey, just. Just. Just come out for the night. I said, all right, cool. And so I had therapy before, right after work. I left work, went straight to therapy. And I'm. And I'm open and honest as. As I've always been, you know, And. And sometimes that's what gets me in trouble. And so my therapist is like, okay, so, you know, we. We finished the thing. I said, I will. I. I brought up punctuality. I said, hey, look, like, you told me to be here at 3. I'm here at 3, but you don't see me till 3, 10. I gotta go sometimes because I got therapy that follows this sometimes. He was like, well, you have that today. I said, no, I don't have it today, but I gotta go because do me a favor. Just, you know, try not to have sex for the next couple weeks. I said, you know what? I'll do that for you after tonight. [00:57:52] Speaker A: And he was already got Something on the schedule tonight. [00:57:55] Speaker B: But dude, yeah. He was like, why up to the night? I said, cuz tonight is a fun one. Like she is fun. Like she is really fun. And she was an older woman, but so fun. You keep. [00:58:09] Speaker A: You said great and you said fun. I think you mean tight. Neither of these words were tight. [00:58:18] Speaker B: She was pun in a great piece of ass. And so I honestly, now that I think about it, I honestly probably text her tomorrow, see how she's doing, just to check in on her, share the. [00:58:30] Speaker A: Gospel with her, you know. [00:58:34] Speaker B: I have to really. These are the things I don't want to do, you know, And I, I tell myself not to and I make myself not to. So yeah, that's, that's. I can't do it tomorrow. However I want to so badly. That's how fun she is. So anyhow, he said, you know, do me a favor, just don't go tonight. And I was like, I gotta go. He's like, why do you have to go? I said, she's that fun. Like she is a. And, and like I gotta go. And her roommate's out of town, so like tonight's gonna be spectacular, you know, My bag's already packed in the car. I was expecting to speak, spend the night. And he was doing me a favor. I know you like to drink whiskey. I know you like to have a cigar. Go to the cigar bar and drink whiskey and, and just journal instead. I challenge you to just go to the cigar bar and journal instead. And so I did. And I hit a little bit of weed and I went in and I just, I wrote down why I didn't, why I wasn't, why I never was a senior pastor, why I never went into ministry is what it was. Why I never went into ministry like full time. And my dilemma was, do I doubt myself or do I not trust myself? And I just wrote about three or four pages of. @ the end of the day, I didn't trust myself. I knew that there was a greater condemnation, there's a greater calling, there's a greater expectation, there's a greater standard for those who teach in ministry. And I knew my ulterior motive, not even my ulterior motive. I knew my weakness. And my weakness is if a female comes and talks to me and is attracted to me and gives off any hint that she wants to do it. I'm laying that pipe and so I took some pictures of it, I sent it to him. And he was like, man, you really dove in and tore yourself apart on that one. And I was like, yeah, I was high. [01:00:48] Speaker A: Oh, yeah, for sure. No, I was high, though. [01:00:56] Speaker B: Well, that's what I tend to do when I smoke. [01:00:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:00:58] Speaker B: Because I tend to really kind of tear apart my motives, my. My thoughts, everything to figure out where I'm at, why I'm there. [01:01:06] Speaker A: Well, there's something interesting about that effect. Joe Rogan always says this whenever someone on the show doesn't smoke weed, and they're like, I don't know, you know how you smoke weed? Like, I get super paranoid when I smoke weed. And Joe always, always says, oh, yeah, I love to get paranoid. Like, I love it because it's your brain, like, telling you there's some reason you need to be worried about this stuff. Like, oh, you're worried about how you look. Why? Why are you worried about how you look? Think about it. Think about it for a second. Like, let yourself get uncomfortable for just a minute and, like, maybe you'll figure some stuff out. [01:01:40] Speaker B: But I don't get paranoid. [01:01:41] Speaker A: What was that? [01:01:43] Speaker B: That's exactly kind of the process I go through. But it's not so much paranoid. [01:01:46] Speaker A: Yeah, but it's overthinking. [01:01:49] Speaker B: Yeah. [01:01:49] Speaker A: And. And it's. It's uncomfortable stuff sometimes. [01:01:54] Speaker B: Yeah. Mm. Yeah. So I do have a list of questions I keep in my journal that when I do smoke, I go and revisit those questions and see if I've answered them yet. [01:02:05] Speaker A: Nice. [01:02:05] Speaker B: Because I don't think I'll fully dive into them in my normal state of mind. [01:02:09] Speaker A: Mm. [01:02:11] Speaker B: And not that I am. Not that I. I think I'm incapable of doing so. And not in a. In a. I don't know, like a self awareness sense. More in a. Like, I don't know. I don't know, maybe I don't know. The right questions ask. And then when I'm high, creativity just kind of sparks. But again, I don't want high being a common thing. [01:02:39] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, like, what. What would you think about using it as a tool in that way? Like, you know, a few times a year. [01:02:57] Speaker B: That's right up there with mushrooms, man. It's one of those things where people are like, you know, I've heard, I hear if there's a safe drug for Christians. And I'm not saying this out of. Out of opinion or view. I'm saying this out of engaging with different Christians that are like, oh, yeah, I shroom. I micro dose. Really? You know, dude. Yes. I don't know if you remember, he does it. And then he started telling me about people at church that, that, that Grow them and sell them to them. And I'm like, are you serious? So many Christians I know are like, yeah, I micro dose because it opens my mind and, you know, look, I've heard amazing things. [01:03:43] Speaker A: I've heard amazing things. I've heard. I've heard it basically cures ptsd. I mean, also, I don't hear it. [01:03:50] Speaker B: I've. I've seen amazing things. And not that I'm an advocate for it, but I like to macro dose. Like, I like when. When they show me a scale, you know, there's a scale. This. This lady, this. [01:04:04] Speaker A: I like to get out of control. I like to up, basically. [01:04:10] Speaker B: But like, macro dosing, micro dosing, I never. I never. You know, I met. I might. I went to California one weekend, and he was like, we're gonna just smoke and microdose, and it's gonna get you closer to the Lord. I'm like, all right, cool. I'll try it with. With you. Felt like I was just high the most time, like, weed high. But then I went to New Year's Eve last year. Not 2024 to 2025, but 23 into 24. I went and did some work on some lady's house. I had a candy bar that a friend in California gave me. It was a micro dose candy bar. It wasn't nothing. I said, oh, my micro dose. He gave me a couple shrooms, a candy bar. I'm like, ooh, I'm excited. And she was like, like, oh, I. I have a ton of shrooms. And she's like, where do you want to be? And she pulled out a. A little card, and it had like, one, like, oh, like, whatever. Two. It was like a happy face. And then two was like a happier face. And then three was like, really happy face. And then four, like, half the face is melting, and then five, the whole face is melting. And I'm like, in between 4 and 5. [01:05:14] Speaker A: I want to be a. I want to be a frightened monkey. I don't want to throw at people. [01:05:21] Speaker B: But here's the thing with that. If I know that I'm. I've always been the type of person I. When I. When I'm doing drugs of any sort, I go into it knowing I'm doing drugs. So I know that none of this is reality. [01:05:39] Speaker A: Reality? [01:05:39] Speaker B: Yeah, with. With the. With as well as with the. The resume of knowing what reality has been for however many long years, you know, for 20 years. 40. Now I'm at 45. For 45 years. I know what reality is. You know, I know doesn't really melt, you know, when I'm looking at it. And this last time, my neighbor brought over some. Some shrooms. It was maybe June. No, it was October, maybe. And he brought over about an eighth. And he was like, hey, split this between you guys. And they was like, oh, you know, I'm good. So I just dropped it. I was like, cool. Ended up going to bed, like, maybe a half hour later. And I like to play music when I go to bed. And so my mind, as the music played with every beat and every new flashes, it was almost like. Like looking at. From an aerial view, the ocean and as it hits the shore. And it was just splashes of different colors. It was like blue or rich. And, dude, it was. It was. It was amazing. But I can't justify it just because it was an amazing experience, you know, like in 2023-24, that New Year's Eve, I watched Moulin Rouge. You know, I tried to watch you love Moulin Rouge. [01:07:15] Speaker A: You've always loved Moulin Rouge. [01:07:19] Speaker B: However, I tried to watch Fear and Loathing. Couldn't understand the word. Johnny Depp was saying, don't. [01:07:24] Speaker A: Don't do that. [01:07:26] Speaker B: I couldn't understand it. Like, as I'm watching it on shrooms, I was like, I don't know what he's saying. [01:07:31] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:07:31] Speaker B: So I put on Moulin Rouge. And honestly, like, the main character is there, but everything behind him is like a Van Gogh painting. It was just swirls of color, and I was just like, this is awesome. It was a great experience. [01:07:46] Speaker A: Yeah. If I ever do it, I'm gonna watch La La Land. [01:07:53] Speaker B: Why La La Land? I have not seen that musical yet. [01:07:55] Speaker A: It just came to mind. It's very colorful. [01:07:58] Speaker B: Is it? [01:07:59] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:07:59] Speaker B: I heard people say colors are vibrant, and I guess I can see that. I'm maybe not so sensitive to it, but I don't get these experiences that people are talking about, like, oh, man, like, you have a crazy experience with God in the super. I've never received that. I've never had that. I've had, like a oneness. Like, the first time I ever streamed was in Vegas in like 2000, and maybe 20, was like, kind of almost post Covid. I felt a oneness with my wife at the time. Like, we were in the shower, and I just. I just wanted to, like, I just. I was holding her close, and I just felt like we were melting in together, but we weren't. But it was just like. It was that kind of love in the shower. It was that kind of sexual love. In the shower, it wasn't like, you know, I knew we weren't really melting into each other, but it just felt like, oh, I couldn't hold her close enough, if that makes sense. [01:09:00] Speaker A: Yeah. Huh. I had something. Something. I totally lost it. Oh, my God, I'm so stupid. [01:09:07] Speaker B: Encounter with God. [01:09:09] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Kind of. That's kind of what sparked it. One of the reasons. One of the reasons I. I quit. One of the many reasons I. I quit smoking weed was I was starting to hear stuff. And it was probably all in my head, but it was. It was something. It was kind of like. And it's so hard to explain high thoughts when you're not high, but it was kind of like, did I hear something two minutes ago? Like, is something still reverberating in my ears that I heard? Like I heard someone say something or I may have just thought it, and it's just like echoing in my head, like my own thought, but it sounds like someone else talking. And then I started hearing all this stuff about weed, like triggering skills, schizophrenia and stuff. Like, people have schizophrenia, but they don't have any symptoms of it. And then they start smoking weed and they start to hear. And when I heard that, I was like, all right, I'm done. Like, I'm not. I'm not messing around with this anymore. And, yeah, that was. [01:10:13] Speaker B: Anyways, no rightly so. I think. I think there's definitely a reason why the Bible says, be sober in spirit. I think you definitely, you know, there's definitely a. And the more and more I look into certain organizations, three letter. Three letter organizations and other organizations around the world, even pornhub and. And porn, the porn industry. One of the men who were. Who. Who. Who was known in the 70s to put out porn and to actually make porn a thing and, and put it on videos. One of his statements is to tear apart the Christian family. And so I definitely think there is a spiritual warfare that's greater than, you know, in a realm we don't see. And so when you make yourself susceptible to those when you're not sober in spirit, oh, my gosh, worst experience ever. I. I have this guy that lives above me in my last apartment. Young kid. He teaches at a. Training at a pilot school. And he goes, hey, for your birthday, I want to take you out. I want to take you down to Tucson and just have breakfast. I want to fly down there, take you to breakfast. Christian kid, but struggling, you know, still having sex outside of marriage still, and not that it was married, but you know, just still kind Of a playboy, you know, player kind of dude. And. But he was still, he still had his struggles where he wanted to serve God, he wanted to go to church and I was taking him on men's group and stuff. And so he was, hey, tomorrow, like I wanna, like, I wanna take you. And I was like, cool dude, like tonight let's get high. So we smoke some weed and this kid starts freaking out. Like his heart's beating through his chest. He's hyperventilating, he doesn't know what's going on. I never felt so ill equipped in my life. I'm high out of my mind and I cannot usher this kid into the presence of the Lord. Like as much as I'm trying, I'm dealing with my own conviction now because I know I should be sober minded. I know I should be so sober in, in the spirit. And I cannot usher this kid before the Lord. Like I felt so convicted. It was, it was, it was so eye opening. And needless to say, he felt like we were gonna crash in the plane tomorrow and so we didn't go in the plane and he postponed it. And I'm glad he did, but then I'm not glad he did. You know, I don't mind dying. Let's just get that out there. Like, I really don't. Like if somebody, but I want to go out, I'm not going to do it on my own. Like I'm not going to do it myself, you know, but if someone's like robbing a, a grocery store and I'm in it, I'm going to be the dude to try and fight that dude. Like I'm, I'm totally comfortable with dying. And so, so, you know, I was kind of glad we didn't. You know, there's only, the only thing I have to live for right now is, is, is bees. You know, my, my older kids, they're old enough, they get it, you know, they're, they, they got their, their, they're set in their life. You know, they're not set financially, they're set in their ways. [01:13:38] Speaker A: What you're saying, what you're saying is crazy, but totally two different means. [01:13:44] Speaker B: Like they're set. You what are. [01:13:46] Speaker A: She's 18. She's 18. She's practically 60. She's done. She's good. [01:13:53] Speaker B: Well, she set in her way of like, you know, like she knows what she wants in life. She knows where she wants to go. [01:13:59] Speaker A: No, she does. [01:13:59] Speaker B: If I was, if I was. Yeah. But if I was to die tomorrow, she wouldn't Be lost. [01:14:04] Speaker A: Okay. [01:14:05] Speaker B: She was, you know what I mean? Like bees. She would be lost. She'd be like, why did God take my dad? You know, why? You know, know she'd have questions for God that. That R wouldn't have. [01:14:16] Speaker A: You know, why not my mom? You know, stuff like that. [01:14:22] Speaker B: It's crazy. I won't share with her mom, but she have asked. She has asked, like, can I live with you? And I was like, you do. Like, you're 50. 50. You're a week here, you're a week there. She's like, nah, can I. Can I live with you more? And I'm like, you gotta ask your mom that question. [01:14:38] Speaker A: You should. You should say you love me more. [01:14:43] Speaker B: Well, she tells me all the time, like, you're my favorite person in the whole world. And I'm like, that's cool because you're mine. [01:14:48] Speaker A: Can I get that on tape? [01:14:51] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. She. She. I do have it on tape. She. She was hoping my ex. Best friend who ended up being with my ex. [01:15:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:15:05] Speaker B: Would die. She did say that. She's like, I wish he would just die so that we could go back to being a regular family. [01:15:13] Speaker A: Oh, okay. So she gets it. [01:15:17] Speaker B: Yeah. They all get it. [01:15:18] Speaker A: Is he living there still? [01:15:21] Speaker B: They don't live together, but I know he brought her groceries just like three days ago. [01:15:26] Speaker A: Okay. [01:15:26] Speaker B: You know, she had her hysterectomy and. And she was like, oh, no. Getting groceries delivered. And R.E. pearlman was hanging out with her. R was hanging out at her house, and she came home abruptly and I was like, oh, why did you come home? She goes, oh, because he showed up with. He was. He was coming over the groceries. I really don't care to see him. And I was like, that's cool. Thanks. Thanks that you're on TV Team. Team Brooks. [01:15:58] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, that's. That's a tough one. I. I listened to this one. Comedian, podcaster, Lewis J. Gomez, and he's co parenting right now. His son's about 12. And I'm pretty fascinated by, like, some of the struggles that they've had because I've been listening to him for a couple years now and. And you know, when you podcast that much, you just talk about stuff really going on. And so I remember, like, when she wanted to keep him in a public school in New York City, but he's moved out to the suburbs in Jersey, and it's like a woke nonsense. I don't want him getting indoctrinated. B. I don't want to drive into the city every day. To drive him to school, you know, so just struggles like that. But, like, they're, you know, just like real stuff of like, he's got a stepdad now, and he has to, like, co parent with this guy who isn't related to his son. And it just, you know, it's. It seems difficult, not, like, again, logistically, but, like, emotionally of, like, having to just like. Like, what does it feel like to give your daughter over to her half the time knowing. Knowing now that she's not happy there. [01:17:21] Speaker B: Being my ex were on the same page. So my ex, no matter what, has. Has the legal. Has the legal rights in the sense of decision making. And so she has wanted to keep her in the same school, which. Which is something we've always wanted. We've always wanted to fill. We don't want to have them jump around again. Since my kids have been born, we lived in four houses, and that's too many. Like, we honestly wanted to live at Sage Crest forever, but rent kept going up. We wanted to live f. Forever, but we just. We wanted to own also at the same time, which is what brought us out here. And then we rented one house before we bought. And so I guess this is the fifth place they've lived. But we've kept her at the same school. So that's the good part. The negative part is, yeah, she takes her every other week. There are times during certain breaks, fall, winter, spring, that she has her for 10 to 14 days straight. Or I have her for 10, 14 days straight. And it's a pro and con on both ends. When she has her 14, dude. When she has her for a week, her week. First couple days are hard. That's my best friend, you know, and not like I treat her like my best friend, but, you know, we have similar humor. We like to play pranks on each other. We like to, you know, I'm a dad that, you know. We're going to play tag at the park. If. If I'm. If we're going to the park and you want to play tag, I'm playing tag. I'm going to make some memories. If you want to be on the iPad when you get home, I'm going to sit with you and we're going to watch funny animal videos. We're going to joke around. We're going to watch shark movies together. Like, I want to be active. We're going to build legos, play Barbies. Like, that's if you want to do it. And you're at. You're inviting me or you'll have me. If I ask to come, like, I'm doing it with you. If I have an event, whether it's a. A work event where we're going to do something, bowling, theater, whatever, I'm inviting her. She's my plus one. And so, you know, when. When in the realm of females, it's so hard to date because females, one, cannot meet my daughter. Two, when my daughter's present, just know you won't get a text from me most the time unless you text me and I respond. But my focus is on my kids, and so, you know, that's where that's at. And so when she leaves to her mom's for the week that her mom has, her first couple days are really depressing and rough, you know, because I don't just have someone I could snuggle with, hang out with, you know, it's. But at the same time, it's. It's sometimes freeing because those are the moments. I could go to my neighbor's house and have a beer with them, or I could kick back with, you know, or go on a, you know, a date or whatever. But then at the same time, I. Those are all just. They're. It's dust in the wind, bro. I mean, I've been on so many dates where I've dropped three, four, you know, $300 on a dinner, and I leave the date, and I'm like, I could have bought so many groceries with that. [01:20:44] Speaker A: Can we just break down how better, like, the difference between your tastes and my tastes? Because to you, you just said $300 on a dinner. This one time, I spent $85 on a dinner. Didn't get a handhold, didn't get a kiss, didn't get nothing. And I still talk about it to this day. You spent $300? [01:21:15] Speaker B: Yeah, that's. [01:21:16] Speaker A: I'm trash. I'm trash. Garbage. [01:21:18] Speaker B: Dude. I'm not gonna lie. That's. That's that clicky. Here is my. My cigar lighter. But I'm not gonna lie. If I'm taking cigar someone on a date and you're not just like a homie girl, you know, like, we're not going to Chili's, and this is like a date. And I'm trying to, like, really win you over because I think something special about you. We're going somewhere that has a view. We're eating some seafood, we're eating some steak. You know, it's usually at a restaurant where sides are separate. And so, yeah, yeah, it's common to spend about 2, 300 on on a dinner date. Yeah. And I feel shitty because I know there's some females that are going to hear this and they're like, wow, he spent 40 on me at Chili's Chilies. That day. That day was, was spontaneous. You were already there. I was just meeting up with you. It wasn't plain planned, you know, and then the argument is, well, you've never planned a date for us. [01:22:27] Speaker A: My wife and I's last dinner before we went for our induction to have the baby was Chili's. We chose. We chose to go to Chili's. So actual white dress. [01:22:42] Speaker B: There have been, there have been a couple girls where I'm like, hey, what do you like? Let me plan the date. And I usually go somewhere that has a view. If you like seafood, I'm calling all my friends. What's the blessed best seafood joint you know, in this area? That's where we're going. Taking her there. However, I, I also have in mind what I can afford at that time. You know, if it, if I'm a little scrapped on the budget, if I'm a little tight on the budget, I'm cooking you dinner because I can cook, cook nice. And most people can cook. They just don't follow the recipes. [01:23:19] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:23:19] Speaker B: Like when it says, like, hey, your salmon goes for 18 to 22 minutes at 375. Well, I'm gonna put it in 1822 minutes after I put my seasoning on it at three, at 375, whatever it says. And it comes out just, just as well as any place else. [01:23:36] Speaker A: Yeah. So, yeah, I like, I like the format of what we're doing. We kind of just wandered. We covered a lot of interesting topics. Divorce, co parenting, sin, journaling, meditation, weed. Rhea Perlman talked about a lot of stuff. So I like this. I hope that somebody gets something out of this. We haven't named the podcast yet. We don't have any social media. I'm not sure even what you want to do in terms of promotion, but I like that we can talk about our faith and our parenting in a low pressure environment and be real about it. And I'm hoping that that is inspiring to people. [01:24:30] Speaker B: Yeah, I figured maybe, you know, our, our next, you know, after, after we end the recording, we can kind of talk about promotions and, and so forth and a couple other things. But, you know, I would like to maybe next week at least have a main topic that we kind of want to address again. The goal is to help men in today's world. World people in today's world. I mean, I've talked to even women about kind of some of my parenting ideas in the sense of, you know, going from friend to coach to parent, or, I'm sorry, parent, coach to friend. And, you know, it's helped them with their situation. But there are definitely some books that have helped me in relationships that I think, you know, have good information without having to read the whole. Whole book. But I would like to, you know, kind of maybe not have so many topics, although I'm not against it, because I feel like it's organic, but a main umbrella that these topics, not even that they fall under. But, you know, maybe our. Our goal next week is to talk about just parenting, and then that leads to wherever it is. But. But, you know, gives us a focus during this week to kind of look at certain books that we've read or certain conversations we've had or certain documentaries we've seen or maybe just the destruction of pornography, whatever it is. [01:26:03] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:26:04] Speaker B: But, you know, I think to kind of be in that. That realm. However, I do like the organicness of this. You know, I like. I. I felt it was very, very comfortable talking with you. I love the. I love it. I love you. I love you, Mike. You're. [01:26:26] Speaker A: I. I feel like that's always gonna happen. The organic meandering is always gonna happen. [01:26:32] Speaker B: Yeah, for sure. For sure. [01:26:33] Speaker A: Even if we stick to a top. But I like that. I like having one topic that we're trying to hit, and then we can, you know, have our thing. Things and. Yeah. So anyways, for. For everyone who listened in on that production meeting, thanks for listening, guys. [01:26:50] Speaker B: This was the pilot. Hopefully he landed the plane. [01:26:53] Speaker A: Yep. Quit smoking weed. And we'll. We'll talk to you guys next week. [01:27:01] Speaker B: Awesome. Love you, Mike. Have a good one, man. [01:27:03] Speaker A: Yeah.